i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
