I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
