She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
