u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
