Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
