Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Randomize
