i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
We smell like vodka and hangover
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
