I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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