I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
