My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
