I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
