My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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