there's paper in my vomit.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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