Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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