So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I believe in your delicious
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
