Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Randomize
