Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize