Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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