so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
