Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I'm sobbing to NWA
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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