weddingsv make me drug and hornr
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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