please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
