you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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