Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Randomize
