I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
