Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Blow job season was short but glorious.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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