Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
