some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
