Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
