I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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