your thong is hanging out like whoa
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
