farters have to be the big spoon...
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
