The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
