i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
