I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
