Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Randomize
