You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
