i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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