I can't watch pbs sober anymore
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
