Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Are my feet made of real feet?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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