You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
