It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
