Don't make out with my wife yet
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
