hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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