No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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