haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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