I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
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