He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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