He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
