oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize