Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Randomize
