I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
