I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
