She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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