He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
