i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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