i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
