I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Randomize
