Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
