Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
